It is so sad when human beings are just thrown away, thats what I am, a throw away.
I was thrown away at birth and I dont want to hear " my mom was looking for a better life for me."
I felt like I was thrown away.
After being adopted by a mother from the deepest depths of hell, it was pounded into my head everyday, I was ugly.
My dad and I had a relationship of sorts but mother dear was a jealous woman and quickly put an end to that, I wasnt allowed to sit on his lap, I wasnt allowed to play with him or laugh and giggle, she made sure she was in control.
She would constantly tell him horrible things I had done, most of them the truth was so twisted it could only come from her mind, I would hang my head and say nothing.
If I did I was hit in the mouth.
She pretty much turned my family against me as well, I was the black sheep, the unwanted, the throw away.
I havent spoken to her in many years, she still is crazy.
Have you ever been beaten on your female parts? Thats what my mom did, both her and my father. Of course she was behind him telling him what to do.
I remember it like a white hot slash in my brain, it still radiates color when I think about it.
I was caught touching myself and well, it was a big no-no.
At first I remember her putting muscle rub on me, I still can smell it.
Then I was bent over the bed backwards and with panties around my ankles I was beaten with a paint ruler, the kind they stir paint with, this has happened on more than one occasion. I also remeber her given me a bath and telling me my bruised area looked like it was wearing lipstick.
The funny thing is I told no-one, she threatened me with dire punishment if I did.
Throw away girl.......not worth anything.

Racism has no color

This is America, or so I am told. I wonder when a verbal observation became offensive just because others do not like it.
I was trying to speak to my son about this so called " white privilege."
It is a hard thing to explain as we are not privileged in anyway, you see I was a ward of the state, I was taken out of the home because my mom was beating me silly and  the adopted family I used to have( I use the word family loosely) have never helped us, we haven't any outside help at all,its just him and myself. No Aunts, Uncles , grandmas to help emotionally. financially, just us. No father because he decided long ago we were not his problem, we haven't seen him in 9 years, nor do we hear from him.
We live on 1200 a month with rent being half of that, then there is the bills, and my son buys clothes at the thrift store and we live on beans, rice and whatever we grow in the garden.
Some how I am supposed to have a magic life because I am white, well I lived on the streets when I was young and I cannot tell you how many times I was kidnapped by pimps( black) and beaten to try and force me to work the streets for them, I was all of 13.
I managed to get a decent foster home in the end and straightened my life out.
Privileged ....hmmmm.
I was walking down the street and it was storming, I tried to keep my child close to the wall so he would not get so wet, along from the other direction was a very large black man, who stood in my way, called me a white bitch and pushed my son and myself into the street, and when I got back on the side walk, he proceeded to follow us shouting racist slurs.
My son has had his head stomped on the school bus and called stupid white boy, he was stabbed with a pencil and called ' white trash" all from black kids.
Now my son is a straight A's kinda nerdy kid with not a foul word coming from his mouth, he does not deserve this because he is white.
White privilege? Not here, and I will not be teaching it.
If someone gets arrested for doing something wrong, its because the did something wrong, not because the color of the skin. I will not be calling blacks African American, they are American. There are many types of blacks and I think its offensive calling them all African, because it isn't true.
Stop trying to get privileges because your ancestors were mis treated.
Every race has been subjected to slavery and hurtful actions of others, just ask the Chinese, Native Americans, Irish, Jews and many orphaned children forced into child labor , beaten and starved. Many children were adopted because families wanted free farm help and were often worked to death, girls were often raped and thrown out when they had a baby out of wedlock , ending up as prostitutes in the street until sickness and death took them.
I am white, and I approve this message........

Its 12:38 in the AM, another sleepless night. This happens  a lot, getting up checking doors etc. Head explosions happen quite a bit, head explosions are when you are asleep and a loud crash, or boom startles you awake only to find nothing happened, its all in your head. There is a clinicle name for it but I don't remember what.

My adopted mom used to wake me up to watch her play solitaire in the middle of the night, she would make me stand up while she sat and played, I often fell asleep only to awaken when I hit the ground, it was torture at best.

Adopted , betrayed and abused. Continued

My earliest memory is being thrown to the car floor, my mother said it is impossible because I was only 8 months old when she had that accident.
I remember seeing the back of the puffy hair styles of her and her sister. they didn't have car seats then and usually babies were held or laid in the back seat, being that my adopted mother hated me anyway, I was rarely held. Shoot, she wouldn't even let my father hold me. Up until the last time I saw them she would have a snit if we would talk or laugh. She made sure she drove a wedge between me and my adopted father. I have never met such an extremely hateful woman as she. Now there are hateful women and I have met them but she took it to the extreme in my case. It seems like that has happened to me a lot in my life.
My adopted mother was from a very large family and she was the eldest girl. They were poor and lived in the hills.  I have often tried to make sense and reason why she was so hateful towards me so I have thought on this extensively.
I come up with nothing.
Just even writing about this woman causes me to shake, so much emotion left it is hard to face. I guess everyone wants to be loved even by a monster, because it is the only person you are exposed too,
It is winter now and my son gets many snow days, it really makes him happy.
Myself, I hated snow days, it meant I would have to stay home with HER. Usually I was made to stand in the corner from sun up to sun down, just getting out to go to bed. I couldn't even get a glass of water or go to the bathroom without asking, the latter part of my days at this home were hell. When I went to bed, if I had to get up to go to the bathroom I would get screamed at and usually hit. So I kept a towel on the side of my mattress and relieved myself on it instead. I then would put them in the towels that were washing when she wasn't looking.
I could never open the fridge, I got beat for that. Once she made me eat a whole bottle of ketchup for my troubles. I was sick, what did you expect?
My mother was extremely unstable, naturally. I wish she did drink more often because she was happier when she did.
I do remember her drinking coffee all day long, the constant cup in her hand, her breath smelling of the wretched stuff while screaming in my face. Summers were particularly hard, all day with this gorgon.
She came into my room one night and screamed at me that I wasn't sleeping in my bed properly , so she grabbed me by the hair and threw me to the floor. I would get back in and she would repeat this over and over, it got to where I was afraid to sleep, and I was a nervouse wreck. I wasn't allowed to sleep with pillows because they might inspire sexual feelings. No stuffed animals in my bed, no pillows no comfort.
Just lonely. It is still hard for me to sleep at night........is anybody out there?

adopted, abused, betrayed.

I have been on a serious journey of self. I was an adopted child who was abandoned like yesterdays mutt who's owners decide they no longer want a dog nor the responsibility, but before they dump it, they subject it to all kinds of abuse both physical and mental. If you dare to confront them about it, you are disobeying and will be dealt with accordingly, usually by worse abuse.

I slept on the side of a free way when I was 14 because I ran away ( my foster father made living very uncomfortable coming into my bedroom late at night). I had no shoes and I went usually for days without eating. I remember going into truck stops and sitting at a table with leftover meals and pretending the previous folks just went on ahead while I gobbled the remaining scraps from their meal, stuffing the complimentary crackers into my pocket before being chased out.

This was during the late 70's and early 80's. I think the scariest was when I was forced into a car by a bunch of pimps who threatened  to slice me if I didn't get " turned out."
And they say slavery is dead, well it is not it just takes on a different form.
I ended up jumping out a motel bathroom window, again with no shoes.

Now ,I have started in the middle of my childhood side of the story and maybe that's not the best place to start.... but I was told once  just start writing and it will flow the way it should and you can redirect later, just like a dam controls the flood.  That is how I feel , flooded.  Flooded with sadness, betrayal and  having a voice that was always beaten into silence or never believed at all due to lying adults.

I was told over and over again, no one would believe me because I was bad. A stupid little slut of a girl. well if losing ones virginity by being raped at 12 makes you a slut, I suppose I fit the bill.

The best liars in the world was my adopted parents, they made sure ( well my mom did) to tell everyone of my clumsiness ( to explain the injuries), my wilfulness, and how I was a horrible child. She pretty much turned the whole family against me. That's how abusers function, they alienate you from everyone the possibly can, you feel alone, unable to bear it and the only one there is your abuser.
During this time I lived through unspeakable horrors. I will elaborate at a later date as my hands are shaking with emotion. I will need to think deeply, it is hard to weave a tapestry of evil with just plain words.

seriously folks

I think people like to think "serious" thoughts, but they don't want
to put too much effort into them. It's a life style of willful
ignorance. They certainly don't want to put in an effort to ask, and
actually converse with others and find that the "deep" meanings
their minds have been developing , they would rather assume than go
and directly ask a person if they were in jest, or if they were
serious Instead, it becomes, "I feel this way, but I am not going to
bother thinking about why I feel this way, or find out what other
people who have felt this way have said and done, so that I may come
to a better understanding, no I would rather assume the worst and
feed my anger.. its to difficult and anyway I still really want to
dis like them even if I am not fully informed of their personality,
background..etc...
Actually ,it often the mind set that " if it does not benefit me its
just not worth while.
.. The only reason I could see that someone might say you take
yourself too seriously, is an impatience with people who have taken,
and will always take, the things that you do less seriously. And
it's certainly not necessary to be patient with stubborn people ,
But the only way to get through to the willfully ignorant is to
share, starting from their level. But they usually don't want to
grow in a direction that might be strange to them

Note, however, that these ideas are "non-researched", and I will try
to do something about them rather than just being aware while trying
not to fall into the traps of our attitude . So why would you want
to take the time to get to know me?