Adopted , betrayed and abused. Continued

My earliest memory is being thrown to the car floor, my mother said it is impossible because I was only 8 months old when she had that accident.
I remember seeing the back of the puffy hair styles of her and her sister. they didn't have car seats then and usually babies were held or laid in the back seat, being that my adopted mother hated me anyway, I was rarely held. Shoot, she wouldn't even let my father hold me. Up until the last time I saw them she would have a snit if we would talk or laugh. She made sure she drove a wedge between me and my adopted father. I have never met such an extremely hateful woman as she. Now there are hateful women and I have met them but she took it to the extreme in my case. It seems like that has happened to me a lot in my life.
My adopted mother was from a very large family and she was the eldest girl. They were poor and lived in the hills.  I have often tried to make sense and reason why she was so hateful towards me so I have thought on this extensively.
I come up with nothing.
Just even writing about this woman causes me to shake, so much emotion left it is hard to face. I guess everyone wants to be loved even by a monster, because it is the only person you are exposed too,
It is winter now and my son gets many snow days, it really makes him happy.
Myself, I hated snow days, it meant I would have to stay home with HER. Usually I was made to stand in the corner from sun up to sun down, just getting out to go to bed. I couldn't even get a glass of water or go to the bathroom without asking, the latter part of my days at this home were hell. When I went to bed, if I had to get up to go to the bathroom I would get screamed at and usually hit. So I kept a towel on the side of my mattress and relieved myself on it instead. I then would put them in the towels that were washing when she wasn't looking.
I could never open the fridge, I got beat for that. Once she made me eat a whole bottle of ketchup for my troubles. I was sick, what did you expect?
My mother was extremely unstable, naturally. I wish she did drink more often because she was happier when she did.
I do remember her drinking coffee all day long, the constant cup in her hand, her breath smelling of the wretched stuff while screaming in my face. Summers were particularly hard, all day with this gorgon.
She came into my room one night and screamed at me that I wasn't sleeping in my bed properly , so she grabbed me by the hair and threw me to the floor. I would get back in and she would repeat this over and over, it got to where I was afraid to sleep, and I was a nervouse wreck. I wasn't allowed to sleep with pillows because they might inspire sexual feelings. No stuffed animals in my bed, no pillows no comfort.
Just lonely. It is still hard for me to sleep at night........is anybody out there?